The loss or death of someone we care about can be very upsetting. They may have died as a result of an illness, such as cancer; an accident, such as a car crash; or old age. Even the death of a loved pet can be as significant to us as losing a relative or friend. This page is here to help you through that time and to help you understand something about what death means.

When Someone Dies
These days, people are living until a much older age, so many children and young people don’t experience the death of someone they love until they themselves are much older.

The loss or death of someone we care about can be very upsetting. They may have died as a result of an illness, such as cancer; an accident, such as a car crash; or old age. Even the death of a loved pet can be as significant to us as losing a relative or friend.

Bereavement is the word used to describe the loss that people feel when someone close to them dies.

Grief is the emotion that people go through as a result of the loss of someone they loved.

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Grief and Hope
Jesus knew what it was like to face up to death. And his family, friends and followers were upset when he died. Through Jesus’ death and resurrection , we have been given hope and been assured that we are made to live with God for ever. It’s ok to be sad, but even when we are sad there is hope and something to look forward to.

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How we feel when someone dies
Our reaction to the death of someone depends on a lot of things, such as our relationship to the person who has died, our Age, and how the person died. Although we all react differently when we experience the death of someone close to us, there are some common feelings and emotions:

We may feel Denial – ‘I just can’t believe she’s not here…I can’t believe she’s dead.’ The news that someone has died can be a great shock – and it can sometimes take a while for the news to sink in and feel real. This happens especially if the person died suddenly.

There will also be occasions when we almost 'forget' that the person has died. For example, one person said, 'When I phoned home after mum died I still expected her to answer the phone, or when I was at home, expected her to come into the room, in the same way years ago when my budgie died, I still expected a tweet when I walked into the dining room..! You still expect the familiar and when it doesn't happen it is sad, but you remember the person..I turned it into a positive thing, that mum was still with me..!'

We may feel Angry – we may feel angry towards the person for dying, or we may be angry at a friend or relative, or angry towards someone who has not experienced death. Depending on the circumstances, you may feel angry because the person who has died is young, or we feel as if that person didn’t deserve to die. Also, we may feel angry towards God. ‘Why did you let him die?’ we will ask. ‘Why didn’t you do something.’ And this is ok, too. God can cope with our anger. Remember, that even when Jesus was on the cross, he cried out, ‘My God, my God why have you abandoned me?’

We may feel Afraid. When we experience the death of someone we know or love, then we can also end up thinking about our own death and this can make us feel scared. We shouldn’t be scared by Death. Now that’s easier said that done! But death is part of living. Everything and everyone dies. As Christians, we believe that death is not the end.

We may feel Guilty. We may think we could have done more for that person when we had the chance. Or it could be that we weren’t with that person when they died – and we wish we had been. Perhaps we didn’t say certain things to them, or tell them that we love them. We may feel responsible for the death – and feel guilty for still being alive.

Some days will be better than others. There will be some days when you will be ok. Other days you may feel really sad and upset, and really be missing that person. This happens especially at special times or places. For instance, Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries.

It’s ok to cry. In fact it’s good to cry – instead of trying to bottle our emotions up. Sometimes, it’s good to cry in company with someone who understands. Other times, we may want to be alone. The shortest verse in the bible consists of two words, referring to Jesus – ‘He wept.’ He wept when he visited his friend Lazarus’s tomb. Martha and Mary his sisters were a little angry and impatient with Jesus – ‘If you had been here he would not have died.’

What else can we do?

We can remember the person who has died – there is no need to pretend that that person didn’t exist. We can still talk about them with the same affection and humour. We can laugh about them, remember things they did, talk about them with fondness.

We can pray for them – in our own personal prayers and in the prayer of the church and at the Eucharist. We can light a candle for them. Every year on November 2, there is a day called All Souls Day when we remember and pray for those who have died.

We can do something in their memory – so they can be remembered in a specific way. Some people may buy something in that person’s memory, or they may give money to a charity that was close to the persons heart.

We can visit their grave – especially at special times, like birthdays, Christmas, Easter, and on the anniversary of their death.

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The Funeral
Although a funeral is obviously upsetting, it is provides a good opportunity for us to come to terms with how we feel, and give us an opportunity to do something for the person who has died. Funerals are celebrated in many different ways. It may be that we are involved in helping to plan the funeral of someone. This isn’t as morbid at it sounds. It can be good for the family to get together to choose hymns, music and readings, and to think about things to say. The priest or minister will usually visit the house and meet with us.

In time, life will get back to normal.

This doesn’t mean that you will stop missing that person – but you will be able to get on with life even though things will be very different from before. Some people, however, never seem to get over it – and there are people and organisations who can help them come to terms with their feelings, such as Bereavement Counsellors and organisations like Cruse.

Sometimes, if someone has been really ill for a while and in a lot of pain, or if they are elderly and coming to the end of their life, death can be seen as the final form of healing. There just seems no way in which that person can get better. And death can become a friend and something that you and the person who is ill have been waiting for. Some people have said that in this situation they have prayed to God for them to die.

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Jesus has changed the way we look at death
His own death and resurrection has shown us that death is not the end – because we have been made to live with God forever. This doesn’t mean that it’s silly to be upset – but it does mean that even when we are really down about things there is a glimpse of hope. Death is not something that we should be scared of. Although we are sad because we can no longer see that person we believe that we shall see that person again. As St Paul says, not even death can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus. In Christ, we are all one.

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More Help and Information

ChildLine 0800 1111
or Freepost 1111, London, N1 0BR.

Cruse Bereavement Care
Cruse House,
126 Sheen Road, Richmond,
Surrey TW9 1UR
Telephone: 020 8940 4818
Helpline: 0870 167 1677
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk